Hi all! I am so excited to let you know that I will be blogging The Bachelorette this season, with SHELBY! Ya'll should remember her, because her guest post she did for me on Ben's season was a huge hit. She is goofy, witty and an all around gem of a person. We will be blogging our way through JoJo's season, which is sure to be full of drama and surprised.
Shelby is bringing you the first hour of the season premiere and I will follow up with the second tomorrow. Going forward we will be alternating weeks, and with both of us writing this season, I am sure you will have many laughs. Until further ado, let's recap last night hour 1....
Are you ready for love?
Here for the right reasons?
Great, because here we go again!
With a montage of Ben promising not to blindside JoJo and a
meeting of former Bachelorettes where Kaitlyn pretty much reminded JoJo to keep
her pants on, we are back in the swing of things faster than you could slide on
your unicorn mask.
In the words of JoJo, “Bring on the Men!”
We are treated to a segment highlighting some of this
season’s contestants. We’ve got a fireman, Aaron Rodgers’ brother Jordan, who
wants to be JoJo’s #1 draft pick, 50% of a pair twin Marines, a Bachelor
“superfan,” erectile dysfunction “doctor,” the real-life Aladdin (courtesy of
Disney, ABC’s parent company), a tech consultant/gym rat/humanitarian raising
both of his brothers and Luke—a cowboy from Texas who attended West Point who
may or may not have stolen my heart (but more on that later).
Are you exhausted? Because at this point they hadn’t even
gotten out of the limos!
Limo introductions fall into one of three categories: A
classic hello/somewhat cheesy pick-up line, a prepared shtick/grand gesture or
something that totally and completely falls flat.
Here’s the run-down:
·
Jordan (Aaron Rodgers’ Brother/Former Pro
Football Player)—I think his former NFL status is a bit generous, but that’s a
conversation for another day. Jordan makes a classic limo exit, cordial introduction
and his bouffant looked glorious. I’ve heard rumors he’s a ladies man, but he
certainly managed to make a great first impression on JoJo.
·
Derek’s a commercial banker from Ft. Lauderdale.
He seemed perfectly boring and if my memory serves me, people from Florida do
not fare well on this show.
·
Grant is a firefighter with an exceptionally
square jaw. He meant well when he said he wouldn’t fall in love with two people
(clever reference to last season), but there’s only one JoJo and the jury’s
still out on whether or not he can take the heat coming from her kitchen.
·
James said he’s here for a relationship, not a
rose. But this raises the classic question of which came first, the rose or the
relationship. Also, for future reference, he’s the James without the guitar.
·
Robby’s occupation is “former competitive
swimmer,” which means he could be doing literally anything now. My best guess
is applying hair gel. Props for encouraging JoJo to take a bottle of wine to
the face. Everyone loves someone who can remember things about their mom.
·
Alex is a marine with an identical twin brother.
I am grateful for his service, but I’d love to refer him to a better tailor. I
haven’t seen high waters like that since 6th grade.
·
Will is a civil engineer from NJ with flashcards
that fall in between the grand gesture and the shtick that falls flat. I will
give him extra credit for his dad jokes.
·
Chad is…just creepy. He can mumble with the best
of them. Remember that guy who wanted to guard and protect everyone’s hearts?
·
Daniel is a Canadian, with a short tie and a
slight vampire resemblance. He is also creepy.
·
Ali is a bartender, but I’m fairly sure he is
the real-life Aladdin. Will JoJo become the real life Princess Jasmine? Stay
tuned.
·
James
Taylor is a singer/songwriter, because of course he is. I think we all know how
a contestant with a guitar plays out…is he here for the right reasons?
·
Jonathan is a kilt-wearing
half-Scottish/half-Asian gentleman with terrible jokes. Jonathan will not make
it out of night one alive.
·
Father
Christmas, AKA Saint Nick AKA Santa is one of the better shticks I’ve seen in
recent seasons. For all we know, he really could be from the North Pole…and
beards are really chic right now.
·
Chase is
a medical sales rep with a couple of mustache puns…nexttttttt!
·
Jake is a
landscape architect, Jake was not very memorable
·
Sal
offered JoJo to squeeze his balls. Oh, Sal.
·
Coley
came out swinging with some real estate puns. I didn’t quite know what to make
of this guy
·
Brandon
is a hipster who said he didn’t watch last season, but I would be willing to
bet he’s got a band you’ve never heard of that he just loves!
·
There was
a Nick S. because there are always a couple of Nicks. In his case, the S stands
for “Splits.”
·
Vinny is
a barber who brought a piece of toast to propose a toast to their impending
union. I’m just glad Vinny didn’t offer JoJo a shave with a straight razor. I
bet the hipster would be into that…
·
Some guy
brought a giant heart and asked to be JoJo’s man-crush Monday. Let’s save that
for pre-teen Instagram feeds, eh?
·
Evan, the
erectile dysfunction “doctor” gets out of the car and asks “How’s it going,
girlie?” Talk about bedside manner.
·
Christian, who gets to the gym by 4 am, raises
his brothers and manages a telecom firm also finds time for motorsports. It
wouldn’t be a season of the Bachelorette without the arrival of a dude on a
motorcycle.
·
Wells the radio DJ exits the limo with one of
the original boy bands, All 4 One. If Wells stays, I vote All 4 One also stays
for impromptu serenades and walks down memory lane.
·
And then
there’s Luke, who arrives on a real-life unicorn named Coconut. Props for
creativity, authenticity (if anyone was to wrangle a unicorn, it would be a
cowboy) and adorability.
On to the cocktail party, where you can bet dudes will drink
too much, shirts will come off, and someone will want to borrow JoJo for “just
a sec.”
Check back tomorrow for the cocktail party recap!
-Shelby
No comments