Blogging the Bachelorette - Drama in Uruguay

Watching The Bachelorette without a bottle of chardonnay is a damn shame, but tonight I am going into a food coma thanks to my Chinese take-out sitting next to me. Sort of the same, right? Last week left us hanging with the drama of Chadmageddon, while the boys toasted adios to Chad he was out in the woods looking for payback. They spread his protein powder, as his ashes, all while he is making his way back to the cabin. Then the knock comes...

Did this scene remind anyone of the movie, "The Others"? A hidden cabin, in the middle of nowhere, crazy people and a horrible ending. Maybe he needs closure, I get that, or maybe he wants a fight, I don't get that but he does make really good reality TV. The good news is that he is officially on Bachelor in Paradise, and that is something to look forward to. Alex is rewarded and deemed America's hero by the men in the house.

The rose ceremony starts with all of the men elated that the drama is over. Don't men know that when you get rid of the main source of drama, a new one steps up, immediately. I have said it before and I will say it again, these men are ruthless compared to The Bachelor. Robby is spotted making out with JoJo, poems are read and masculinity is questioned all night long. I know I am bias to the name Luke, but he is quickly becoming my favorite. I may have to proclaim him my winner, and clearly JoJo thinks so too...

Rose Ceremony:

Derek

Robby

Chase

Wells

Grant

Vinny

James Taylor

Evan

Jordan (date rose)

Alex (date rose)

Sent Home:

James F.

Daniel

JoJo announces that they are headed to South America or more specifically Punta del Este, Uruguay. Jordan gets the first 1:1 date and you could literally hear crickets. As always, whoever hasn't gotten a 1:1 was expecting their name, but like past seasons this is usually a good sign you are headed home soon. While they are swimming with seals, the boys are back at the hotel reading gossip mags about JoJo and her ex, Chad. No, not Chadmageddon but the "roses on the front porch, during hometown dates," Chad.

Back to the Jordan and JoJo (that sounds good, doesn't it)? JoJo confronts him about speaking to his ex-girlfriend who had some major problems with Jordan and his lack of being invested in their relationship. I am not sure about you, but I have very few relationships where I would speak super highly of my ex. Would I say awful things? No, but I also wouldn't remember or scream their good loyalties from the rooftop. Jordan is growing on me and yes, they are crazy touchy feely but hey it is understandable.

JoJo addresses the magazine when she gets back from the date. Lots of tears and awkward group hugs later, they all agree it doesn't matter and it's time to move on.

The group date is on the sand dunes of Uruguay, which seems like a ton of fun. Being athletic is not a pre-requisite of solving erectile dysfunction, because Evan does not have an athletic none in his body. Luke shows his supportive side about the article, James Taylor should break out in a song but he breaks out his lips to comfort JoJo, and Wells moves on the from the name Chad. Derek gets the group date rose, and Alex is out for blood since he feels like it is a pity rose. Does anyone else feel like Alex is a big baby with a hint of the Napoleon Complex? Yes, me too!

JoJo and Robby head out to explore Uruguay. And of course the scene that all seasons must have, "I'm afraid of heights, but I will do it because I trust you and you are there for me..." So cliche and so annoying. If you are afraid of heights, for real, it doesn't matter if Liam Hemsworth is holding your hand, you won't jump off a cliff. 

Back at the house, the mean girls clique is out to get Derek to admit he didn't deserve the rose. For some odd reason, I like Derek and I am totally siding with him on this. Hail the underdog! Robby drops the "L" word and JoJo does not reciprocate, thank God we won't have another season of the word love flying all over the place. 

TWO ROSE CEREMONIES in one episode, this is wild! Derek tries to clear the air with the clique, but in true mean girls fashion they shoot him down and let him know that he is being emotional. JoJo decides to forgo the cocktail party and do the rose ceremony, Chris also drops the bomb that 3 of the men will be going home (thanks to the NBA, geesh)!

Second Rose Ceremony:

Luke

Jason

Alex

James T. 

Wells

Robby

Jordan

Derek

Going Home:

Evan

Grant

Vinny

What a classy group of guys that were sent home, all of them were upset and not rude at all. I am going to take the plunge and go ahead and name my top two, Jordan and Luke! We will see if I am right, but for now let's keep watching the drama and the man fights unfold. 

Happy watching, 

No Bachelorette Last Night, No Problem! Enter Chadmageddon.....

No Bachelorette last night? No problem.

Let’s take this opportunity to revisit what ABC dubbed a two night “Chadmageddon” event. Sure, it’s a play on words, Chad’s presence in the Bachelorette house is like Armageddon, but I’d like to present an alternative take—he is more like a hurricane, a “Chadicane,” really, leaving destruction in his wake. 

At first glance, we experienced a Category 1 Chadicane on the first night. His snarky critique of all of the other guys, a display of cockiness, nothing too out of the ordinary, there’s always at least one guy who assumes he’s got it in the bag from start. The winds died down when Jordan got the first impression rose, but like a hurricane out to sea, Chad picked up steam.

            Week One the Chadicane was upgraded to a Category 2 storm, taking aim at the set of ESPN’s SportsNation, where it made landfall and caused a direct hit when Chad refused to play along with the giant ring proposal, and called JoJo “naggy” after she gave him a hard time for his lackluster participation. He also put all the other guys on blast and firmly established himself as this season’s villain. But behind closed doors, the Chadicane dies down, mentioning his puppy and his recently deceased mother and all of the antics at ESPN appear to be in the rearview mirror as far as JoJo is concerned. Don’t be fooled, we all know it is eerily calm and quiet inside the eye of a hurricane. Which brings us to Week Two…

             Pausing for a moment on the weather analogies, JoJo had some seriously promising dates in episodes 2,3 and 4, especially one-on-ones with Chase, Luke and James Taylor. I am wild about Luke; he makes me want to sing the Dixie Chick’s “Cowboy Take Me Away” at the top of my lungs from now until the finale. As far as I’m concerned he’s a front-runner, unless of course JoJo wants to pick a “bad boy” (AKA: a douche), in which case, all bets are off. Chase is great, very down to earth, easy on the eyes, and a lower key version of Chad mixed with a dash of the former competitive swimmer. I’m excited to see where that goes. Which brings us to James Taylor. First of all, I’m glad there’s a singer on the show that appears to not be hungry for publicity. That being said, James Taylor is the textbook definition of nice. He and JoJo had a nice date—nice conversation, everything was just so…nice. He got the rose, but I’m not convinced there is any chemistry whatsoever between the two. We’ll have to stay tuned for that.

            Now back to our live look in on Chadicane 2016, which locked in on Week 2 with vengeance. Disappointed with the prospect of a group date, Chad went into the “Sex Talks” project with a bad taste in his mouth. It was already established at ESPN that Chad doesn’t play well with others, throw him into a group of dudes trying to impress JoJo and a randomly assembled audience with tales of sexual exploits and hijinks and that’s a recipe for disaster. A hurricane cannot be contained within the walls of a community theater.

            Enter storm chaser: Evan the erectile dysfunction  “doctor.” I have to be honest, up to this point I wasn’t even sure he was still in the house.  But he more than made himself known over the two-night event. Evan decides to base his sex talk routine on the dangers of steroids and manhood. After an awkward exchange in the audience, Evan somehow ends up with a ripped shirt and Chad’s got a sore ego. Like a wrecking ball, he takes aim on a backstage door, bloodying his knuckles and making the first of roughly 400 threats on the lives of his fellow contestants. At one point he grabs at Evan’s throat and I thought the producers would jump in like on the Real World, which had a firm policy, touch someone and you go home. But anything seems to go on this season of the Bachelorette.

ABC.com 

On the group date, Evan tells JoJo that he isn’t sure if he can stay in the house if Chad stays. A word to the wise: ultimatums rarely, if ever, work on the Bachelor franchise. However, JoJo is full of surprises, giving Evan the rose, causing Chad to exclaim something to the effect of “is this real life?” At this point, JoJo is confused, the other guys feel validated that Chad’s true colors appear to be coming out. They ain’t seen nothing yet.

            Back at the house fueled up on protein powder the Chadicane reaches Category 4 status. Security guards must patrol the pool deck, guys are switching rooms and Chad continues to eat all the meat in sight.  Evan decides to take this opportunity to tell Chris that people in the house have issues with Chad. At this point, I was thinking Evan, don’t push your luck, you’ve got the rose, and all of your teeth, slow your roll, but his sidebar with Chris results in Chris taking Chad aside and telling him he needs to settle things himself.

While this is a terrible form of conflict resolution, it makes for great television. There’s a vocal disagreement between Chad and Derek, Derek needed to take on the Chadicane in an effort to emerge from a dateless week with a little piece of the spotlight. I appreciate Derek’s attempt to remain calm, cool and collected in the face of the storm. At the rose ceremony (no cocktail party), JoJo leaves the Chadicane twisting in his own wind, giving him the final rose and sending home Santa, real-life Aladdin and Christian.

            In an unfortunate turn of events, the Chadicane, now upgraded to a Category 5 storm takes aim at Nemacolin Resort in the Pennsylvania woods. This inland location was not prepared for the carnage that would result.

           

            Nemacolin is the scene of this season’s first 2-on-1 date. And of course, it pits the Chadicane against loveable Marine Alex, one of Chad’s most vocal opponents in the house.  When the date card arrives, Luke plays his best Chris Harrison asking Chad what would send him home? Chad goes off. Alex picks at him and calls him a POS. Grant calls Chad a coward and had wants to take it outside.

 Naturally, there is a great deal of awkwardness before the date begins. So to blow off some steam, Chad reminds Jordan that once the show is over he can find out where he lives to hunt him down. Once date time rolls around, Chad and Alex take a silent, ultra uncomfortable helicopter ride to meet JoJo where they find out they will be taking a hike. The air is thick with tension, so the producers decide it is wise to provide each guy with their own ax. Great, great idea.

            I was a little worried when Alex used his one-on-one time with JoJo to talk about the threat Chad posed to the other guys and possibly her. On his date the Chadicane proved he is pathological, lying to JoJo about being violent and says he only threatens people to get them to be quiet and asks if JoJo knows of another way to handle things. Meanwhile at home, I was raising my hand like an anxious first grader, jumping out of my seat, screaming, “I know! How about using words?!”

            JoJo ultimately decided to kick Chad to the curb, leaving the Chadicane to stew in the woods, where I assume he immediately slaughtered and consumed the first grizzly bear he could find.

            When the dreaded luggage pick up takes place, the boys back at the lodge celebrate with party poppers and Fireball shots when they realize Chad was the one sent home.

            But this was just the calm before the storm. Little did the boys know that in the woods, a Category 10 Chadicane was growing strength, preparing to make landfall once more.

            ABC left us with a cliffhanger and a week off because of the NBA Finals. If you need me, I’ll be gathering my doomsday provision and building a storm shelter because I have a feeling, this is going to be a historically brutal hurricane season. 

-Shelby

Bring on the Men! - The Limo Arrivals, Part 1

Hi all! I am so excited to let you know that I will be blogging The Bachelorette this season, with SHELBY! Ya'll should remember her, because her guest post she did for me on Ben's season was a huge hit. She is goofy, witty and an all around gem of  a person. We will be blogging our way through JoJo's season, which is sure to be full of drama and surprised. 

Shelby is bringing you the first hour of the season premiere and I will follow up with the second tomorrow. Going forward we will be alternating weeks, and with both of us writing this season, I am sure you will have many laughs. Until further ado, let's recap last night hour 1.... 

Are you ready for love?

Here for the right reasons?

Great, because here we go again!

With a montage of Ben promising not to blindside JoJo and a meeting of former Bachelorettes where Kaitlyn pretty much reminded JoJo to keep her pants on, we are back in the swing of things faster than you could slide on your unicorn mask.

In the words of JoJo, “Bring on the Men!”

We are treated to a segment highlighting some of this season’s contestants. We’ve got a fireman, Aaron Rodgers’ brother Jordan, who wants to be JoJo’s #1 draft pick, 50% of a pair twin Marines, a Bachelor “superfan,” erectile dysfunction “doctor,” the real-life Aladdin (courtesy of Disney, ABC’s parent company), a tech consultant/gym rat/humanitarian raising both of his brothers and Luke—a cowboy from Texas who attended West Point who may or may not have stolen my heart (but more on that later).

Are you exhausted? Because at this point they hadn’t even gotten out of the limos!

Limo introductions fall into one of three categories: A classic hello/somewhat cheesy pick-up line, a prepared shtick/grand gesture or something that totally and completely falls flat.

Here’s the run-down:

·         Jordan (Aaron Rodgers’ Brother/Former Pro Football Player)—I think his former NFL status is a bit generous, but that’s a conversation for another day. Jordan makes a classic limo exit, cordial introduction and his bouffant looked glorious. I’ve heard rumors he’s a ladies man, but he certainly managed to make a great first impression on JoJo.

·         Derek’s a commercial banker from Ft. Lauderdale. He seemed perfectly boring and if my memory serves me, people from Florida do not fare well on this show.

·         Grant is a firefighter with an exceptionally square jaw. He meant well when he said he wouldn’t fall in love with two people (clever reference to last season), but there’s only one JoJo and the jury’s still out on whether or not he can take the heat coming from her kitchen.

·         James said he’s here for a relationship, not a rose. But this raises the classic question of which came first, the rose or the relationship. Also, for future reference, he’s the James without the guitar.

·         Robby’s occupation is “former competitive swimmer,” which means he could be doing literally anything now. My best guess is applying hair gel. Props for encouraging JoJo to take a bottle of wine to the face. Everyone loves someone who can remember things about their mom.

·         Alex is a marine with an identical twin brother. I am grateful for his service, but I’d love to refer him to a better tailor. I haven’t seen high waters like that since 6^th grade.

·         Will is a civil engineer from NJ with flashcards that fall in between the grand gesture and the shtick that falls flat. I will give him extra credit for his dad jokes.

·         Chad is…just creepy. He can mumble with the best of them. Remember that guy who wanted to guard and protect everyone’s hearts?

·         Daniel is a Canadian, with a short tie and a slight vampire resemblance. He is also creepy.

·         Ali is a bartender, but I’m fairly sure he is the real-life Aladdin. Will JoJo become the real life Princess Jasmine? Stay tuned.

·          James Taylor is a singer/songwriter, because of course he is. I think we all know how a contestant with a guitar plays out…is he here for the right reasons?

·         Jonathan is a kilt-wearing half-Scottish/half-Asian gentleman with terrible jokes. Jonathan will not make it out of night one alive.

·          Father Christmas, AKA Saint Nick AKA Santa is one of the better shticks I’ve seen in recent seasons. For all we know, he really could be from the North Pole…and beards are really chic right now.

·          Chase is a medical sales rep with a couple of mustache puns…nexttttttt!

·          Jake is a landscape architect, Jake was not very memorable

·          Sal offered JoJo to squeeze his balls. Oh, Sal.

·          Coley came out swinging with some real estate puns. I didn’t quite know what to make of this guy

·          Brandon is a hipster who said he didn’t watch last season, but I would be willing to bet he’s got a band you’ve never heard of that he just loves!

·          There was a Nick S. because there are always a couple of Nicks. In his case, the S stands for “Splits.”

·          Vinny is a barber who brought a piece of toast to propose a toast to their impending union. I’m just glad Vinny didn’t offer JoJo a shave with a straight razor. I bet the hipster would be into that…

·          Some guy brought a giant heart and asked to be JoJo’s man-crush Monday. Let’s save that for pre-teen Instagram feeds, eh?

·          Evan, the erectile dysfunction “doctor” gets out of the car and asks “How’s it going, girlie?” Talk about bedside manner.

·          Christian, who gets to the gym by 4 am, raises his brothers and manages a telecom firm also finds time for motorsports. It wouldn’t be a season of the Bachelorette without the arrival of a dude on a motorcycle.

·         Wells the radio DJ exits the limo with one of the original boy bands, All 4 One. If Wells stays, I vote All 4 One also stays for impromptu serenades and walks down memory lane.

·          And then there’s Luke, who arrives on a real-life unicorn named Coconut. Props for creativity, authenticity (if anyone was to wrangle a unicorn, it would be a cowboy) and adorability.

On to the cocktail party, where you can bet dudes will drink too much, shirts will come off, and someone will want to borrow JoJo for “just a sec.” 

Check back tomorrow for the cocktail party recap! 

-Shelby