No Bachelorette Last Night, No Problem! Enter Chadmageddon.....

No Bachelorette last night? No problem.

Let’s take this opportunity to revisit what ABC dubbed a two night “Chadmageddon” event. Sure, it’s a play on words, Chad’s presence in the Bachelorette house is like Armageddon, but I’d like to present an alternative take—he is more like a hurricane, a “Chadicane,” really, leaving destruction in his wake. 

At first glance, we experienced a Category 1 Chadicane on the first night. His snarky critique of all of the other guys, a display of cockiness, nothing too out of the ordinary, there’s always at least one guy who assumes he’s got it in the bag from start. The winds died down when Jordan got the first impression rose, but like a hurricane out to sea, Chad picked up steam.

            Week One the Chadicane was upgraded to a Category 2 storm, taking aim at the set of ESPN’s SportsNation, where it made landfall and caused a direct hit when Chad refused to play along with the giant ring proposal, and called JoJo “naggy” after she gave him a hard time for his lackluster participation. He also put all the other guys on blast and firmly established himself as this season’s villain. But behind closed doors, the Chadicane dies down, mentioning his puppy and his recently deceased mother and all of the antics at ESPN appear to be in the rearview mirror as far as JoJo is concerned. Don’t be fooled, we all know it is eerily calm and quiet inside the eye of a hurricane. Which brings us to Week Two…

             Pausing for a moment on the weather analogies, JoJo had some seriously promising dates in episodes 2,3 and 4, especially one-on-ones with Chase, Luke and James Taylor. I am wild about Luke; he makes me want to sing the Dixie Chick’s “Cowboy Take Me Away” at the top of my lungs from now until the finale. As far as I’m concerned he’s a front-runner, unless of course JoJo wants to pick a “bad boy” (AKA: a douche), in which case, all bets are off. Chase is great, very down to earth, easy on the eyes, and a lower key version of Chad mixed with a dash of the former competitive swimmer. I’m excited to see where that goes. Which brings us to James Taylor. First of all, I’m glad there’s a singer on the show that appears to not be hungry for publicity. That being said, James Taylor is the textbook definition of nice. He and JoJo had a nice date—nice conversation, everything was just so…nice. He got the rose, but I’m not convinced there is any chemistry whatsoever between the two. We’ll have to stay tuned for that.

            Now back to our live look in on Chadicane 2016, which locked in on Week 2 with vengeance. Disappointed with the prospect of a group date, Chad went into the “Sex Talks” project with a bad taste in his mouth. It was already established at ESPN that Chad doesn’t play well with others, throw him into a group of dudes trying to impress JoJo and a randomly assembled audience with tales of sexual exploits and hijinks and that’s a recipe for disaster. A hurricane cannot be contained within the walls of a community theater.

            Enter storm chaser: Evan the erectile dysfunction  “doctor.” I have to be honest, up to this point I wasn’t even sure he was still in the house.  But he more than made himself known over the two-night event. Evan decides to base his sex talk routine on the dangers of steroids and manhood. After an awkward exchange in the audience, Evan somehow ends up with a ripped shirt and Chad’s got a sore ego. Like a wrecking ball, he takes aim on a backstage door, bloodying his knuckles and making the first of roughly 400 threats on the lives of his fellow contestants. At one point he grabs at Evan’s throat and I thought the producers would jump in like on the Real World, which had a firm policy, touch someone and you go home. But anything seems to go on this season of the Bachelorette.

ABC.com 

On the group date, Evan tells JoJo that he isn’t sure if he can stay in the house if Chad stays. A word to the wise: ultimatums rarely, if ever, work on the Bachelor franchise. However, JoJo is full of surprises, giving Evan the rose, causing Chad to exclaim something to the effect of “is this real life?” At this point, JoJo is confused, the other guys feel validated that Chad’s true colors appear to be coming out. They ain’t seen nothing yet.

            Back at the house fueled up on protein powder the Chadicane reaches Category 4 status. Security guards must patrol the pool deck, guys are switching rooms and Chad continues to eat all the meat in sight.  Evan decides to take this opportunity to tell Chris that people in the house have issues with Chad. At this point, I was thinking Evan, don’t push your luck, you’ve got the rose, and all of your teeth, slow your roll, but his sidebar with Chris results in Chris taking Chad aside and telling him he needs to settle things himself.

While this is a terrible form of conflict resolution, it makes for great television. There’s a vocal disagreement between Chad and Derek, Derek needed to take on the Chadicane in an effort to emerge from a dateless week with a little piece of the spotlight. I appreciate Derek’s attempt to remain calm, cool and collected in the face of the storm. At the rose ceremony (no cocktail party), JoJo leaves the Chadicane twisting in his own wind, giving him the final rose and sending home Santa, real-life Aladdin and Christian.

            In an unfortunate turn of events, the Chadicane, now upgraded to a Category 5 storm takes aim at Nemacolin Resort in the Pennsylvania woods. This inland location was not prepared for the carnage that would result.

           

            Nemacolin is the scene of this season’s first 2-on-1 date. And of course, it pits the Chadicane against loveable Marine Alex, one of Chad’s most vocal opponents in the house.  When the date card arrives, Luke plays his best Chris Harrison asking Chad what would send him home? Chad goes off. Alex picks at him and calls him a POS. Grant calls Chad a coward and had wants to take it outside.

 Naturally, there is a great deal of awkwardness before the date begins. So to blow off some steam, Chad reminds Jordan that once the show is over he can find out where he lives to hunt him down. Once date time rolls around, Chad and Alex take a silent, ultra uncomfortable helicopter ride to meet JoJo where they find out they will be taking a hike. The air is thick with tension, so the producers decide it is wise to provide each guy with their own ax. Great, great idea.

            I was a little worried when Alex used his one-on-one time with JoJo to talk about the threat Chad posed to the other guys and possibly her. On his date the Chadicane proved he is pathological, lying to JoJo about being violent and says he only threatens people to get them to be quiet and asks if JoJo knows of another way to handle things. Meanwhile at home, I was raising my hand like an anxious first grader, jumping out of my seat, screaming, “I know! How about using words?!”

            JoJo ultimately decided to kick Chad to the curb, leaving the Chadicane to stew in the woods, where I assume he immediately slaughtered and consumed the first grizzly bear he could find.

            When the dreaded luggage pick up takes place, the boys back at the lodge celebrate with party poppers and Fireball shots when they realize Chad was the one sent home.

            But this was just the calm before the storm. Little did the boys know that in the woods, a Category 10 Chadicane was growing strength, preparing to make landfall once more.

            ABC left us with a cliffhanger and a week off because of the NBA Finals. If you need me, I’ll be gathering my doomsday provision and building a storm shelter because I have a feeling, this is going to be a historically brutal hurricane season. 

-Shelby