No Bachelorette last night? No problem.
Let’s take this opportunity to revisit what ABC dubbed a two
night “Chadmageddon” event. Sure, it’s a play on words, Chad’s presence in the
Bachelorette house is like Armageddon, but I’d like to present an alternative
take—he is more like a hurricane, a “Chadicane,” really, leaving destruction in
his wake.
At first
glance, we experienced a Category 1 Chadicane on the first night. His snarky
critique of all of the other guys, a display of cockiness, nothing too out of
the ordinary, there’s always at least one guy who assumes he’s got it in the
bag from start. The winds died down when Jordan got the first impression rose,
but like a hurricane out to sea, Chad picked up steam.
Week One
the Chadicane was upgraded to a Category 2 storm, taking aim at the set of
ESPN’s SportsNation, where it made landfall and caused a direct hit when Chad
refused to play along with the giant ring proposal, and called JoJo “naggy”
after she gave him a hard time for his lackluster participation. He also put
all the other guys on blast and firmly established himself as this season’s
villain. But behind closed doors, the Chadicane dies down, mentioning his puppy
and his recently deceased mother and all of the antics at ESPN appear to be in
the rearview mirror as far as JoJo is concerned. Don’t be fooled, we all know
it is eerily calm and quiet inside the eye of a hurricane. Which brings us to
Week Two…
Pausing for a moment on the weather analogies,
JoJo had some seriously promising dates in episodes 2,3 and 4, especially
one-on-ones with Chase, Luke and James Taylor. I am wild about Luke; he makes
me want to sing the Dixie Chick’s “Cowboy Take Me Away” at the top of my lungs
from now until the finale. As far as I’m concerned he’s a front-runner, unless
of course JoJo wants to pick a “bad boy” (AKA: a douche), in which case, all
bets are off. Chase is great, very down to earth, easy on the eyes, and a lower
key version of Chad mixed with a dash of the former competitive swimmer. I’m
excited to see where that goes. Which brings us to James Taylor. First of all,
I’m glad there’s a singer on the show that appears to not be hungry for
publicity. That being said, James Taylor is the textbook definition of nice. He
and JoJo had a nice date—nice conversation, everything was just so…nice. He got
the rose, but I’m not convinced there is any chemistry whatsoever between the
two. We’ll have to stay tuned for that.
Now back to
our live look in on Chadicane 2016, which locked in on Week 2 with vengeance. Disappointed
with the prospect of a group date, Chad went into the “Sex Talks” project with
a bad taste in his mouth. It was already established at ESPN that Chad doesn’t
play well with others, throw him into a group of dudes trying to impress JoJo
and a randomly assembled audience with tales of sexual exploits and hijinks and
that’s a recipe for disaster. A hurricane cannot be contained within the walls
of a community theater.
Enter storm
chaser: Evan the erectile dysfunction
“doctor.” I have to be honest, up to this point I wasn’t even sure he
was still in the house. But he more than
made himself known over the two-night event. Evan decides to base his sex talk
routine on the dangers of steroids and manhood. After an awkward exchange in
the audience, Evan somehow ends up with a ripped shirt and Chad’s got a sore
ego. Like a wrecking ball, he takes aim on a backstage door, bloodying his
knuckles and making the first of roughly 400 threats on the lives of his fellow
contestants. At one point he grabs at Evan’s throat and I thought the producers
would jump in like on the Real World, which had a firm policy, touch someone
and you go home. But anything seems to go on this season of the Bachelorette.
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| ABC.com |
On the
group date, Evan tells JoJo that he isn’t sure if he can stay in the house if
Chad stays. A word to the wise: ultimatums rarely, if ever, work on the
Bachelor franchise. However, JoJo is full of surprises, giving Evan the rose,
causing Chad to exclaim something to the effect of “is this real life?” At this
point, JoJo is confused, the other guys feel validated that Chad’s true colors
appear to be coming out. They ain’t seen nothing yet.
Back at the
house fueled up on protein powder the Chadicane reaches Category 4 status.
Security guards must patrol the pool deck, guys are switching rooms and Chad
continues to eat all the meat in sight.
Evan decides to take this opportunity to tell Chris that people in the
house have issues with Chad. At this point, I was thinking Evan, don’t push
your luck, you’ve got the rose, and all of your teeth, slow your roll, but his
sidebar with Chris results in Chris taking Chad aside and telling him he needs
to settle things himself.
While this
is a terrible form of conflict resolution, it makes for great television. There’s
a vocal disagreement between Chad and Derek, Derek needed to take on the
Chadicane in an effort to emerge from a dateless week with a little piece of
the spotlight. I appreciate Derek’s attempt to remain calm, cool and collected
in the face of the storm. At the rose ceremony (no cocktail party), JoJo leaves
the Chadicane twisting in his own wind, giving him the final rose and sending
home Santa, real-life Aladdin and Christian.
In an
unfortunate turn of events, the Chadicane, now upgraded to a Category 5 storm
takes aim at Nemacolin Resort in the Pennsylvania woods. This inland location
was not prepared for the carnage that would result.
Nemacolin
is the scene of this season’s first 2-on-1 date. And of course, it pits the
Chadicane against loveable Marine Alex, one of Chad’s most vocal opponents in
the house. When the date card arrives, Luke plays his best Chris
Harrison asking Chad what would send him home? Chad goes off. Alex picks at him
and calls him a POS. Grant calls Chad a coward and had wants to take it
outside.
Naturally, there is a great deal of
awkwardness before the date begins. So to blow off some steam, Chad reminds
Jordan that once the show is over he can find out where he lives to hunt him
down. Once date time rolls around, Chad and Alex take a silent, ultra uncomfortable
helicopter ride to meet JoJo where they find out they will be taking a hike.
The air is thick with tension, so the producers decide it is wise to provide
each guy with their own ax. Great, great idea.
I was a
little worried when Alex used his one-on-one time with JoJo to talk about the threat
Chad posed to the other guys and possibly her. On his date the Chadicane proved
he is pathological, lying to JoJo about being violent and says he only threatens people to get
them to be quiet and asks if JoJo knows of another way to handle things.
Meanwhile at home, I was raising my hand like an anxious first grader, jumping
out of my seat, screaming, “I know! How about using words?!”
JoJo
ultimately decided to kick Chad to the curb, leaving the Chadicane to stew in
the woods, where I assume he immediately slaughtered and consumed the first
grizzly bear he could find.
When the
dreaded luggage pick up takes place, the boys back at the lodge celebrate with
party poppers and Fireball shots when they realize Chad was the one sent home.
But this
was just the calm before the storm. Little did the boys know that in the woods,
a Category 10 Chadicane was growing strength, preparing to make landfall once
more.
ABC left us
with a cliffhanger and a week off because of the NBA Finals. If you need me,
I’ll be gathering my doomsday provision and building a storm shelter because I
have a feeling, this is going to be a historically brutal hurricane season.
-Shelby
