Recognizing and Overcoming PPD - My Experience

My friend Rosi contacted me a few weeks back asking if I was looking for any guest bloggers. She has a wonderful blog, that is on hiatus right now, and was wanting to write about some events that are close to her heart currently. The best thing about blogging is that writing can sometimes be therapy and a bit of release of emotions, it can also bring awareness to something that doesn't get spoken about often. Enjoy Rosi's post, I know I did, and thank you to Rosi for bringing awareness and sharing her journey.

First, let me say a big thank you to Meredith for inviting me to guest post for her. Meredith is doing such an amazing job with her blog, I very much enjoy reading it and watching it grow. I always knew she would be great at this! Second, let me introduce myself. My name is Rosi. I used to blog as PerfectlyFITT but am currently on a hiatus due to life getting crazy and not being able to make the time it deserves right now, however you can still find me on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. I am a wife, mother of two, a SAHMish, and a Certified Strength & Conditioning Specialist working as a personal trainer in Detroit. 

There were so many topics I thought of writing about and share with you all but one overwhelming kept popping up. Since having my second child (he is now just over three months old) I find myself battling postpartum depression and I want to share my journey with that with you.

Shame. Embarrassment. Disgust. Those are just a few of the feelings I have/had about being post-partum depressed. I absolutely know that I do not have to feel that way but that’s just part of the whole post-partum depression thing. Feeling ways that you don’t have to but can’t help. It took me a while before I finally realized and vocalized to myself that this was in fact something I was going through. In the hospital I had a to take a questionnaire about what has been going on in my life to see if postpartum depression was something that I would be susceptible to, turns out I’ve been through quite a few triggers. To give you an idea over the past year here are some of the things I have been dealing with…a move across the country, stressful job searching, my grandmother passed away, starting a new job, pregnancy (which is never easy for me), living in a less than desirable house, giving birth, my dad passed away, moving again (locally but still)…needless to say I’ve had a lot of my plate and that has done me no favors in this process. Oh, and the fact that I get very little sleep with a newborn does me no favors either.

Initially when I didn’t know what was “wrong” with me I found myself constantly searching about postpartum depression. I would read the symptoms and think “but I don’t have feelings of wanting to hurt my children, I don’t want to NOT be with my baby”. In the end though what I finally came to realize was that I didn’t have to be experiencing every sign and symptom to be dealing with postpartum depression. 

In my darkest times I experienced an overwhelming amount of self-hate. I actually verbalized OUT LOUD how disgusting I thought I was. I would literally stand in front of a mirror and say horrible things to myself out loud. About my body, my parenting, any way I could put myself down really. I had very little, to no, patience with my daughter and would irrationally punish her for just being a toddler. I cried over just about anything. I often had thoughts of leaving my family completely. I exercised because it’s what I’ve always done, it’s what I thought would make me feel better but I hated every second of it. I made sure I always told people I was doing great and super happy when inside all I wanted to do was be by myself and cry. It was miserable. It still is some days but I am dealing with it in a much better and healthier ways.

Being a mom is tough and when you are dealing with PPD it’s even tougher. There is so much pressure to be this “perfect mom”, to handle everything that comes your way with ease, but that’s just not how it goes. The best thing I have done for myself is to accept and admit that I am dealing with PPD. Some days I do really well but some days I really struggle. Especially with the passing of my dad I feel like that has taken my PPD to places I hadn’t been before but I don’t stay there and that’s what I care about. I talk about it to anyone who will listen and I have found, by talking about it, that many more women have dealt/are dealing with this than you may realize. I have reached out to my family to let them know what’s going on and I have told them some things they can do to help me. Because that’s just it, most people are so unaware of PPD and what they can do to help and even what they may be doing to trigger episodes for you and not even realize. For example, I was told to “just keep smiling”, but you see that’s just it, sometimes just keeping a smile on my face is really hard and when people say that it can cause me to put pressure and stress on myself which can make the PPD a real struggle. So I took that opportunity to explain just how hard “keeping a smile” can be for me now. Part of my healing has been to help those around me understand PPD just a little bit more.

For me just having someone around sometimes is the best help I can get. I get lonely just me and the two kiddos some days, like I don’t have purpose, like what I do doesn’t matter but I know that’s not true. That’s just the PPD talking.

Just before my dad passed away I traveled out to Arizona to see him, for the time I was there and for just after a week after I didn’t work out at all. Two weeks went by of me not exercising. For me that’s a pretty big deal, I am big on exercise, but you know what??? It was so helpful in my healing process. My body got some of the physical rest is so badly needed. Having resumed my working out again I am finally loving it like I did before and that feels really good. It brings me true genuine joy in my day and I like that feeling.

Each day I feel like I get just a little closer to my normal self but I also know I’m not there yet and each day I make a conscious effort to talk to God, engage in positive self talk, take time for myself, and to vocalize my feelings. It’s definitely a process and one I am no longer ashamed, embarrassed, or disgusted by. It is me, and I love me, no matter what I may be going through.

Postpartum depression is very real and something many women go through. It’s also a topic that is just now, I feel, starting to get the attention it deserves, something just starting to be talked about. If you feel as though you are experiencing PPD the best advice I can give is to talk about it. If you know someone you think may be PPD, please be gentle in your approach. If it is something they have not yet recognized you could do more harm then good in your approach. I am always available and open to chat too. My email is perfectlyfitt@hotmail.com.

It was a pleasure to talk to you all too and to be a Semibalanced Mama for a day! ;)